Only on paper!!

     So my youngest is a budding artist. He loves to draw, all the time. We have had many discussions about what we can draw on (only paper) and what we can't draw on (everything else). There is many a time we recycle junk mail envelopes and hardly used paper plates and the like to draw on, so I can see how he may get a touch confused, but it is all still paper. He's three and testing his limits, but I know he knows the difference between paper and a plastic tomato. I make sure all the markers in the house are washable for a reason.

     A couple of days ago he got caught coloring on something very important, there was mom disappointment and a timeout involved. Thankfully I was able to get it clean, but the point is we are fresh off of a only color on paper incident. So, I am sitting in the living room and I hear definite coloring noises coming from the kitchen, which I can't see in to. 

"Nathan? What are you coloring?" 

He comes running into the living room with a purple marker clutched in his little hand. "Nothing!!" 

Then I start to get up. "Nathan?" I ask, with that total mom look of questioning. 

Here is where he starts to panic. "Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!" he keeps yelling at me as he is using all of his three year old weight to hold me back. His arms are wrapped around my legs and he is shoving as hard as he possibly can.

As I start to move forward and he realizes that he isn't going to be able to hold me back and takes off into the kitchen. When I make it into the kitchen I discover that he has thrown himself on the floor, hiding whatever it is he was coloring on. His knees are tucked under him, his butt in the air, his eyes are closed and he is clutching whatever it is with all his might. 

At this point I can see what looks like part of a piece of paper sticking out from under his armpit so I can tell it's not a major family heirloom, and it is taking everything I have to not laugh at him. He is so adorable that I am actually looking around to see if I have a camera with in arms length, which alas, I did not.

"Nathan, let me see what you were coloring on."

"Uh-uh."

"Nathan." 

"Uh-uh." 

"You know I can just pick you up, right?" He just furiously shakes his head.

So the ending of this tale isn't really the huge blockbuster ending that it could be. I could tell you that I picked him up, it was a bomb covered in purple marker, and we threw it outside just in time, but that just wouldn't be true. It was just a sheet of stickers that he was coloring on the back of.  He's learning. He knew he wasn't supposed to color on it because it was stickers, but it was on the back, so it was kind of okay. At least I know he is paying attention, even if he is basically ignoring me,  because the above mentioned time out doesn't always work for my creative little man. He just sits there and sings to himself. And I'm pretty sure he would happily do it all day. It is going to be an interesting adventure as he gets older. He is already very much NOT a morning person, which is going to be a lot harder when I can't pick him up and dump him on the couch anymore. He also doesn't care much about "things" at the moment, so taking stuff away as a punishment doesn't work either. Neither does bribery. Not that, that is necessarily the best tool in mom tool belt. I can't wait to see what happens with this one. Now onto convincing his older brother that taking over the world is not an option...

Selling to art lovers, and boys are icky.

     So Eric has come up with a plan. He is going to draw art. Honestly it is some of the worst art he has ever done. I know I'm mom and I should love it all, but seriously he drew a stick figure and signed his name. He wants to mass produce I guess. He wants to mass produce it because he has a plan. His plan you ask? He is going to give his first picture away for free. Then he is going to charge the next two people $2 each. Everyone else after that he is going to charge $5. My child has figured out how to be a drug dealer at 5 1/2 years old. Yes, I am concerned. I am very concerned. Either he will be really good with money later on, or I'll be visiting him in jail. Yes, I will be keeping a very close eye on this one. He is way to smart for his own good. 

     He also came downstairs the other day to show me something he had made out of Legos. I can't even remember what it was, but I'm sure it involved robots or spaceships with guns and lightsabers. I looked, I listened, he went back upstairs to build on. At the time we has a friend over and my husband and friend were playing video games. They weren't nearly as interested in Lego creations. Eric picked up on this quickly. Because I hear a minute later, from upstairs, "Nathan, mom actually looks at stuff, the boys just say; uh-huh awesome, but they don't really look." I pointed this out to said boys, hopefully they will pretend better from here on out. 

     At the moment there is an over abundance of poop, pee, butt and penis in my house. They talk about it, they sing about it, they tell jokes about it. I have to actually say "Stop pooping on your brother." on a daily basis. There is no actual poop, thank every deity ever, but they pretend, so then they can laugh. Oh I forgot farts. There is a lot of farts too. And fart guns. Thank you so much Despicable Me 2 for that one. I was on the phone while I was driving to work today (I have a blue tooth so hush) and mentioned that Nathan was blowing lots of raspberries in the back seat. I was quickly informed that it was actually a fart gun. I put Nathan in the car the other day and he turned to me and says "Do you want to see my penis?" Which reminds me of another story. I can't believe that actually reminded me of something else, just sigh. Eric once asked his babysitter if she had a vagina. And if he could see it. She declined. I  honestly really hope they get better pick up lines than, do you want to see my penis and can I see your vagina. It's really hard being the only girl sometimes. Well I do have the cats, but it's just not the same. I think I'm going to have to have a girls day very soon, because I don't know how much more I can take. And the sad part is, I know that they will NEVER grow out of it. But if I'm really lucky they will stop singing about it, daily. Having little boys that still take baths together for the time being, there is another important lesson that has been taught. You are only allowed to play with your own. That lesson has also been the beginning of the whole good touch, bad touch conversation, but mostly it started out with "Stop playing with your brother's penis! You are only allowed to play with your own!" It amazes me the things that I actually have to say every day. Seriously who wants to go out and watch sappy movies with hot guys and drink wine with me?

Adorable distraction for a stressful time.

     There are some crummy things going on in my world right now. As most of you already know my husband's car was stolen last night from the college he is attending. The college he is attending at 37 years old, while working 40+ hours a week, to try and earn a degree to be able to do better for him family. The despicable human took a car with two car seats in the back, and winter boots in the front. I truly hope karma does it's job in this particular instance.
   
     There is positive though! I can see it! I posted on Facebook what was going on, and to please share and keep an eye out. My wall is covered in copies of my post over and over from my friend's and family sharing. There are so many people who love us, and hate that this happened, and want to support us is anyway they can. And it's visual! It's amazing. It's overwhelming, there is so much love! It is also wonderful to know that a very dear friend wanted to make sure that the boys got to bed on time and got plenty of sleep since they FINALLY got to go back to school. So it was the very dear friend who went and got said husband and brought him home. It is also amazing to know that there are a others out there who would have done it as well. I am also overwhelmed at the thoughtfulness and kindness of another friend that is letting us borrow her car until we can figure out what we are going to do. And yet another friend has literally started a "get them a car" fund. It brings me to tears. It is the positive that I'm going to hang onto, and the love that we are receiving. And continue to think about the best positive outcome, whatever that may be.

     This is a blog about my darling boys, and that is what I got on to write about, and still will, but I guess I needed a moment to vent about this, so thank you for listening. Now on to the adorable distraction I got today picking up my oldest from school.

      My oldest is in kindergarten. He never went to preschool so this is the first real time he has spent a lot of time with a big group of kids. He has always been sociable, so that has never been an issue. Well, for awhile now he has been saying that he and Sarah (names changed to protect the adorably innocent) are going to get married. Sarah's good friend Samantha does not like this idea because she wants to be best friends with Sarah and can't be if she is best friends with Eric, my oldest. I hope you got all that. When I picked him up from school today the saga continued.

     Eric: "I told Sarah that if the police can't find daddy's car then he is going to have to get a new one. Sarah and I are going to get a blue Jeep."   "When you get married?"  With a super sweet half smile, "Yup. And Sarah figured out where we should go for dating." (Yes, he said it just like that.) "And where is it you are going for dating?" I asked. "To the hotel with the waterpark. And I waited for Sarah and put her glove on for her because I really like her and wanted to stand by her. I also told Samantha that two girls couldn't get married."    "Yes they can."   "But they are both girls."  "So. Why can't they get married?"  "Because I want Sarah to be with me."  Fair enough.  He continued. "I told Samantha that it's possible, that means maybe, possible is a maybe choice, that Sarah likes me more."  There was still more, at this point I am furiously writing all this down on a random envelope I found in my purse. "Sarah is going to come over and spend the night and I told her she can lay next to me on the top bunk with me." Then I was informed that Sarah made a happy squee noise.  Then he was onto other important topics, like "I wish my ear was bigger so when it's itchy and I have gloves on I can reach it."

     There is the part of me that says, that is the cutest thing! Then there is the part that says noooo!!! You are five! Stop! I know it is all sweet and innocent right now, my only hope is that a little farther down the road when it isn't, he still wants to talk to me about it.

Jumping off the bridge.

     So, I have to start with I didn't know if I wanted to do this. I have a lot going on, I don't have time for a blog! I was dragged into this be very good friends. I was promised cookies. I have been asked a couple of times to start a blog because my two darling little boys, ages 3 1/2 and 5 1/2, have said the darndest things since they could talk. I started to think about it, and how much I used to write. I would write constantly when I was in high school, I even considered it as a profession for awhile. Then I thought about how many things you forget about your children doing when they were little, and how I don't really want to forget those things. I will warn you now, this blog is about little boys. There will be gross things. I promise. Poop is mentioned at least once a day in my house. 

     Speaking of poop, one of my favorite poop stories involves my youngest son. There was one day I was at work and got a text from my mom, who was watching them at the time. Mom: "Nathan, do you have poops in there?" "I not Nathan, I Shredder." "Shredder, do you have poops in there?" "Uh-uh." Shredder lies. We still talk about Shredder lying, and that was almost a couple of years ago now.

     I don't want to forget other things like the first joke my oldest son came up with on his own. "What did the turkey vulture say to the coyote? Don't try and eat me or I will puke on you!" He was probably about 3, and had learned about the defense mechanisms of turkey vultures on an animal show, which yes, involves toxic puke.

     See, gross. Told you. There are also little things that happen day to day. Just a minute ago we were eating pizza and there was a commercial on television, I can't even tell you what it was about, I was writing on here, and I hear the oldest say: "Well that's not necessary." When we asked all he said was that it was about the commercial and a guy running around. He said it with all seriousness.  Or just now my youngest runs into the living room with a roll of toilet paper (we are out of Kleenex, there was a blizzrard, okay) he says "Here mama! Toilet paper!" "Thank you." and just in case I didn't know he points at his nose, "For snot!" and then runs off again. We have to keep is handy because  this is the child that runs up to you and yells "I have snot! I have snot!" until you give him a Kleenex, or sometimes wipe his nose. It honestly wasn't that long ago that we taught him "tears" because he would say "I have snot!" and point to his eyes. 

You know I really didn't mean to start off with the gross parts of raising boys, but I guess if you are still reading or come back later even after all of the bodily functions you really want to read  this. I will do my best to keep you updated on their antics. I think I'm going to have to keep a small notebook on me...